Breaking The Wall Down
Lost, scared and confused during quarantine.
“Who are you” has been a question I’m unable to answer these days. Superficial descriptions like “I’m a woman” and “I’m a brunette” are not what I’m referring to. Heck even “I make masks during Covid-19 to donate” don’t define you. All amazing qualities but try to think on a deeper level. Do you ever feel like you are meant to do something great? Standing outside a wall with a burning desire to bust it down. Sledge in hand but paralyzed by fear. Instead of chipping away at the wall you go through life based off a model of “who you are”. You follow society guidelines on how to act. Turn to others advise on how to make decisions. Your thoughts are false concepts. They offer a sense of security. A means to define yourself because your lost inside.
Going to share something personal. First crack in my wall happened when I slacked at work and got fired. For awhile I told everyone I resigned because getting terminated was shameful. Those long lunch breaks, arriving late/leaving early and practically stopped giving a fuck attitude knocked down the first brick. Negative thought loops of “why work 9:00-5:00 to help support someone else’s dream” greatly affected these past 8 months. Even to this day I don’t have an “official” job. This confusing time needs to be wrapped up soon because having no steady income is stressful.
Why can’t I hold a job that everyone says I’m capable of doing? Is the reason an internal battle between “Who am I” and “Who you are”? “Who am I” is a mystery. One I’m looking forward to solving. If you are a lover of puzzles or Professor Layton you can relate! I can share (in my case) “Who you are” not…. I am NOT an Accountant. I am NOT normal. I went around for the 6 years misrepresenting myself. Everyone thought I had a degree in Accounting when in fact I’ve been 3 classes short of obtaining. Society frowns upon people without degrees especially in the Business field. Mix in a couple outside pressures and problem solved. I lied and placed on my resume. Now reflecting back it’s no wonder I jumped from job to job. Always within the Accounting Field (Construction, Hospitality, Retail, etc…) but never satisfied.
Large chunk of wall grumbled couple weeks ago when I was finally able to admit I don’t have a degree. Anxiety and fear almost stopped me from sharing the truth. Honestly I don’t want to look at the wall anymore. Ready to work towards greatness instead of going through life lost and afraid. “I love the person I’m becoming….”