This post is for all the extreme people pleasers who have rock bottom self-esteem. The ones who are deeply saddened to go to bed alone. Just recently was introduced to the concept of Co-dependency. Which is shocking because I’ve been doing it for the past…
Month: May 2020
Lost, scared and confused during quarantine. “Who are you” has been a question I’m unable to answer these days. Superficial descriptions like “I’m a woman” and “I’m a brunette” are not what I’m referring to. Heck even “I make masks during Covid-19 to donate” don’t…
Anyone out there ready to raid the beach?? Envision all out glamping for a week! Bikinis, Books & Bourbon. Meditation under a Mango Tree wonderful but doesn’t come close to a beach meditation. Maybe it’s the voice inside my head that keeps repeating “watch out for deadly Mangoes” lol. Those bad boys in the backyard sound like bricks falling from the heavens. I for one need a break from my mind. Only so far a Pisces Lalaland can take a girl! Major relationship reflection during meditation will be exposed below. Hint it includes lying.
So with meditation skills lacking focus I’ve turned to “Mindhacking”. Learning when my mind wanders I bring it back into focus by repeating “Hello” over and over. Then repeat “You are not your mind”. Been successful on multiple occasions to quiet the Roommate within. Shockingly decided I’m not so fond of her lately. When government announced lock-downs for COVID-19 I was looking forward to quiet time. Realized this isolation thing completely blows within 2 weeks of being alone (which means a lot coming from an Introvert). Let me just say it’s brought out my demons with all this self-reflection time.
Meditation Solves Relationship Problems
One of the biggest issues I’ve encountered in the process is actually taking the steps to change. Habits are a bitch to break, right? Not talking switching morning coffee for tea. I’m referring to the engrained ones like being guarded and lying. Ones that take years to form. Lucky if we’re capable of breaking. Carrying the weight around for years not even knowing why you continue to do so. Imagine having the ability to make a statement that instantly removes constraints. My friend (Robert) constantly encourages me to “tell on myself”. It’s a new concept. Something I’m warming up to slowly. After a Lying Intervention (Thanks Mom & Rob) I was able to share in a judgement free zone. As a Beavertown welcome back post I will make this tell a good one. Get the popcorn or better yet the whiskey ready!
I want to find someone to love. Throughout my last relationship every time we “broke up” I would download a dating app secretly. Seemed like it happened every couple months (we remained friends after every break up). I would make profiles not really expecting any legit responses or suitors. Conversations began and guys would invite me out for drinks (I have a problem with feeling unworthy and unloved so the attention was wonderful for my esteem). Few days into app and I would delete. I felt guilty. I despise people being secretive towards me, yet I continued to do it. Reflecting back on my actions I question why I did this? Which prompted the “5 Why’s”.
Why seek attention from others? Because I want to feel wanted
Why? Because I don’t want to be alone
Why? Because I don’t like myself/my thoughts
Why? Because I’m a fraud
Why? Because I’m not trustworthy
After a coming to Jesus talk it was decided no more romantic relationship. Period. I was a mess emotionally and he wanted to find his perfect partner. Continuing in my old ways I downloaded an app again. Same habit as before. This time though I actually followed through and meet a guy. We walked the beach & talked for hours. Was nice having a conversation with a complete stranger during isolation. Covered economy, virus, kids, etc all the basics. Didn’t even have to discuss any of my internal negative issues (insert sigh of relief). Way better than being home alone. The following day I received a thank you message and let’s meet again. Graciously passed because I wasn’t searching for a partner just a distraction.
Mindhacking helped me realize I downloaded dating apps as a way to busy my mind from negative loops. I was getting entertained which quieted my thoughts. Those thoughts reflecting my insecurities & old habits. Reality is I’m not ready for a serious relationship. I can’t offer friendship & love to another until I’m truthful to myself. I haven’t loved myself in a long time. So out with the old habit. No more fake dating. I’m going to focus attention on becoming trustworthy.
If you’d like to “tell on yourself” release those fears and share here. Judgement free zone! Want to dive deeper into understanding why we lie? Take a look at this article: https://www.mindful.org/this-is-your-brain-on-lies/